1. Not day one...

I've started this blog a total of four times now, each time with the hope that it would be the last.  What is it that they say?  "try then try again" So that's what I'm doing.

I've been on optifast for about 9 days.  I've been strict, I've lost weight.  BUT  I've changed, I'm not doing the bare minimum, I'm not only eating "salad" or "stir fry", I'm finding recipes and eating vegetables that I never would have thought of eating because they are in my "hate" pile.

Today for the first time I spent a whole hour doing light exersize.  I went on the shaker machine (a vanity product that my mother brought to help with her cellulite and probably used a handful of times before giving up on it) for 20 minutes, alternating positions.  Rode on the recumbent bike for 5 whole minutes even though it killed me, and finally spent a good 35 minutes in the pool doing stretches and exersizes including a few laps.

I don't exersize, so it was a definite step in the right direction.

Back ground :

Mother of two - 21 and 17 or close enough

Age - I'd love to say "just a number" but I'm 43

Starting BMI of 65 - yeah that is not a typo - 65

Although I have managed to whittle it down to BMI of 59 over the last 9 months, through watching my diet and going on optifast binges.

Weight - today 145.3kg  (Starting weight 156kg)

Height - 156cm (yes I weighed as much as my height!)

I've been overweight a long time, many mental issues caused the problem so the first step on this journey was to get counselling.

My therapist is amazing, I miss her right now as she is off having a baby, she helps me look at things going on in my life in a different way.  Helps me tackle the hard issues and has made me realise I can do this, I'm more than ready for this.

I'm having a gastric sleeve on the 11th of March 2016, 86 days to go. My specialist wants me to be 142kg by then but I plan on being around 132kg by then.  Trust me when I say it's going to be hard, I have zero will power, if I didn't I'd be a string bean by now.  I do however have determination and it's only 86 days.  I've done 9, each day is another victory for me.  Plus I've found some recipes that will get me through Christmas.

I'm concerned about going to Melbourne in the new year, it's a holiday and part of me wants to say "to hell with it, go wild and eat!", then this new me kicks in and says "no, eat one proper meal a day, go out enjoy dinner or brunch, be satisfied with 2 nutrient optifast shakes for your other two meals".  Stay on track, be proud of who you are and that you can do this so that you are ready for the major changes coming.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I chose the sleeve, long before my specialist told me it was what he would recommend.  I like that I don't have to keep going backwards and forwards having things altered.   I like that it's permanent, I don't want something that can be changed/reversed, let's face it, no matter how much weight I lose, if something happens and I can go back to old habits, I'm going to.  Maybe not in a day but over time,  if I can cheat, I'm going to.  So for me the sleeve was the right way to go.  I can eat what I want, I have to watch portion and be aware of nutrition for the rest of my life.  Not really a hard ask, when food no longer is the focus of your life then the change is easy.  I personally would be all, oh I can get the band made loser so I can go pig out and then tighten it later.  With later never coming.  No chance of that when your stomach has been removed from your body totally.

I won't lie, I am scared, not of the surgery itself, or of pain in general.  I am scared of change.  Who I am becoming and who I will be at the end of this journey.  It's irrational really, because I like who I am, and because I do, I'm not willing to change or compromise the who, just the what.  What I am is overweight,  it doesn't define me, nor will me being normal weight define me.